p ♥ p t e a

Haha, have been listening to MLP FIM's soundtrack - At the gala for hours now. My rain is just a slightly damaged!

Yes. Why? Why can't all the websites have the same kind of coding EVERYWHERE. It is sooo annoying! XI I have to learn new coding all the time and my brain isn't known for taking in alot of information. Gahd!

Yeah, so hi! So, as i mentioned before - I've been hanging out with Amanda and I've taken alot of pictures of all kinds of Things .. and I thought it was time for me to upload them. ~ 

Hey all. So I've been living in a down-hill these last couple of days. Life just seems so pointless and I will probably end up forever alone. ;___; I'm gonna type down exactly how I feel for once, because I'm pissed and sad.

Gahd I don't even know what hit me. Everyone just seems so happy all the time and it's really starting to bring me down. Why can't I be happy for once? I want to be happy, but I just can't. I've forgotten how it feels like to have no worries in the world and embracing every day with a smile on your face. I can't even 'smile' for real anymore - I just paint it on and pretend that everything is fine. I'm just fine. I say. Do you know what, that's bullshit.

I've been depressed for over 3 years now because of something that happend that didn't even involve me. I got cut up in the middle and that HURTS. I were living on the line between 2 wars, without even knowing how I got there or what I did to deserve it, and I've never felt more betrayed in my entire life. Did I not deserve to know what was going on in my own home? I'm depressed because I'm sick of school. I said. Once again: bullshit. I had no clue what was going down and my final year in school was the only thing I could blame for me not wanting to get up in the morning.

I've talked to people about this and do you know what? It doesn't help. They say the same things. Asks the same questions. In the end you can just sit down and have the dialog with yourself. I've been holding my own hand for so long and I've just realized how lonely I've been. How lonely I am til' this day and what scares me, is to think that I will probably end up alone in the future. No matter how many wonderful and funny people I have around me, I still wake up every morning with this spikey-rock in my throat and I just can't remove it. Whatever I do, it's still there.

Everything I believed in in the past seems so distant. There are things that I don't even remember. Like when my family talks about things that happened on vacations when we were younger or just random things that we did. I don't remember. I pretend like I do, but I don't. Things that everyone else remembers. Things everyone else talks about - I'm not a part of it. You should always remember the good times. They say. My answer is that I've blocked everything. I've locked the door to my brain so I won't get hurt. So I won't do anything stupid. This is something I haven't told anyone. Not even my best friend. To make everything simple: I don't have any happy memories from the time with my family and that's scary. Like, for real. They are all gone.

The girl that I once were, the one who was happy and loved going to school just so she could hang out with her friends. The one who would bounce into the classroom and just be happy. I don't really recall being like that. I've forgotten how to be me. I think this is one of the many reasons that I'm still so sad and lost til' this day: it's because of all the things I had to get through, I lost myself in the process. I never thought you could actually lose yourself until it actually happened. I don't know who I am. I'm just a marionette who has been tangled into it's strings. I'm alone and sad and afraid and I couldn't really feel more useless.

I don't really think anyone actually know me. If any of my friends would happen to read this, do you really know me? Like, really know me? I don't think you do, but I guess that's okey since I put on this mask and pretend to be someone. I don't know who I am either, so why should anyone else. I'm not good with the whole 'opening-up' to people. It's one thing to talk to people and actually talk to people. I just feel like I've been kept in a shadow, you know. Just listening to what other people are telling me .. Playing by their rules. But that's probably cause I'm afraid to share my dreams and thoughts. I don't want people to tell me that I'm aiming to high or being judged. I don't want to be put down or judged because I want to be in a certain way or do certain things.

I want to go to Japan. I want to be an artist, but I judge myself to hard. I want to paint all my life and do nothing else. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to work in places were you get treated like a bug. I want to live my life the way I want to live it. I want to believe that I can achieve this and I need people to back me up. You might think I'm blaming someone right now. But, I'm not. If there's someone to blame: it's myself. I have a hard time opening up : because I've never felt that anyone really understands me. So many friends have turned their backs on me through the years and in the end, you just stop talking. It's hard to talk with my family, cause I'm the black sheep. You can all agree: I am. I know I am. We are just different. But that doesn't mean I blame them for anything, quite the opposite. I love them all - just the way they are. Never change guys. But, try to see the world through my eyes for just a second. A second of your life is all I ask.

Anyways, I feel that I've got some stuff off my chest. I always try to think that things could've been worse. Some people could have died. I could still just lay in my bed all day. My hair could still be grey because of that stupid hair-color. But I will still wake up with a rock in my throat. I will still have a hard time opening.up to people. I will still get sad and angry because life is a bitch. But .. I'm sure I will laugh again, do you know why I'm sure? Because tomorrow is a new day.

Oh, and my Saturday-catchphrase:
It's Saturday and that means that everyone should be happy.

With so many people in the world ..

I've been watching some Nabari today. Only 6 episodes left until the end dgnbfjgvfn ;A; Other then that, I've fixed my laundry and cleaned some more in this oh so lovely apartment of mine. And when I say lovely, I simply mean booring. I wanna fix this place up .. or find a new place. Grigh.

On another note : Nothing.
Blaahaaaa.

Just gonna kick back today.
My back hurts so much so I will probably just lay down on the couch all day. I have to buy a new bed or something, I can't take this anymore -____-; My back hurts and my ribs are broken. Ughh.

Maggan called yesterday. It was nice to hear her voice, it's really been a while since we talked. Me and Denise left a really, ehm, nice message on her cellphone. I have no Idea how Denise's phone works or how to even hang-up .. and then it went to voicemail and I don't think much of that recorded message made sense? "How do you turn it of?" "What is going oooon!?" .. Yah XD

Anyhow, me and Denise are looking for an apartment now. We've singed up for a bunch of sites to keep track on things, so hopefully we'll find something. I can't live here anymore. The people living around me are on my enemy-list for all eternity and since I don't wanna risk killing anyone - I better just move away. (X7x) 

Now I'm gonna watch Nabari and stuff.
TTYL.

Hey guys!
So, what have I been up to today?

I've been cleaning! Gahd I hate it so much, it's so booring. Not only have I been cleaning, I've also been forced to listen to my neighbor's lovely music that goes something like this: BONK BONK BONKBRLLDAKOFISHHFHKJBDHAS BONK! Yeah, like that! I'm not even joking it's not funny.

I've also just ordered a movie that I've been dying to see. It's drawn in the same style as the Digimon-movies, like Our war game and Diaboromon strikes back. I can't wait for it to get here! I'm so excited! Haha, and I also scrolled around on youtube and saw a live-action movie of The girl who leapt through time. It doesn't seem to be the same story, but still, it would be fun to watch it. Maybe it has already been released - what do I know. Oh live-action. You so strange. Like テニスの王子様/Prince of tennis. But that thing has musicals and series and 2 anime-series and movies .. so, yah.

What was I talking about? Cake, right! I want it.
See ya later BONKBONKAHDKJGDFBGHJ (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

It's such nice weather outside so I'm gonna go out for a walk! Celebration of a new month. And what am I going to listen to on my walk? Maybe the complete Silver Fang soundtrack that I absolutely didn't download yesterday illegally. I would NEVER do that. Never ever together forever no matter how long.

Hey world. The sun is shining yet another day and Oh my, am I happy? Yes .. Yes I am! (; v ;) I really hope that the snow won't return and destroy my life. Cause that wouldn't be very nice now, would it?

Hey all. So, 3 days ago I met my student adviser. She helped me alot and she managed to answer all my questions that I brought with me. It felt great to get a little kick in the behind .. and now I just have to find something I want to study. She really pushed me to the "art-diresction" and she thought, since I draw alot, that art should be something to aim for. Also, since I haven't studied in a while - it would be good to just do something that I find fun, even though it might not be something I want to work with in the future. I just miss a reason to get up in the mornings ~

And today I plugged in my f*cking stereo! I've lived here for a couple of years now and I haven't had my big, fat monster stereo activated EVER! Why? Cause I RESPECT people! But now I'm S I C K of hearing my disgusting neighbours music. Since they have, apparently, NO IDEA that there are other people living in this building. I thought I should fall down to their level and put my stereo on destruction-mode.  The war is on! GAAAAAAAAAAARRRH!

Hellooo ~

Ugh, looking outside the window today makes me sad. Here I thought that spring was finally on it's way and then everything turns around and slap you in the face. It's snowing people! Huge-Godzilla-Snowflakes, grey sky and yuck!

I really wanted to go to Underbara Hem today and look at all the items I want to put in my home (even though that will never happen) ~ So, I have to plan something else to do today. I've been thinking of making a new header for this blog. Something a little more balanced and .. you know, something fun.

Anyways, it's Saturday today and that means that everyone should be happy (:

Hey all. So, I've just looked over my grades and managed to find a place were you  can check your average rating. Mine was 16.1 .. I wonder if that's good or bad? I really feel that going back to school is something I want to do. The work-hunt has kinda come to a stand-still now, which sucks. Everytime I go to these sites were companies put up jobs that are available, it makes me depressed. That wasn't even a joke - it makes me sad, for real. All they want is "People with 5 years of experience" or "You had to read this strange subject - that you've never heard of - in school to even have a chance to get this job, silly Silly girl". Yeah that.

Oh mi oh my. I guess I'll figure out something to do sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Going to the adviser next Wednesday and hopefully the table will turn a few degrees for me. She knows more about schools and such then I ever will - so I will load my notebook with questions!

Oh well, I hope you all will have a great day.
The sun is up today and I think that spring might be lurking around the corner ~

00:31 and I'm still here. Well, a part of me is here, the other one is already asleep. Just thought I could bump a little entry before going to bed. Tomorrow is my official cleaning-day, so I will try to get up a little earlier and start .. eh, scrubbing the bathtub or something! ^ ^; No, but I need to clean this place a little. Clothes everywhere!

I miss summer. The snow keeps falling so it looks like the winter is going to stay with us for a little longer. I mean, I really enjoy the winter months. But Christmas is over folks! Time to throw out the snow. Rainbow Brite, why won't you save me?

Started playing The world ends with you today and I'm already inlove with Neku. He is so .. bitchy. Just my cup of tea I guess. Hmm, why don't you exist in this universe? I've come to realize that I'm very shallow. It's almost sad actually. It's not a positive thing to be shallow. But I am. Atleast when it comes to guys. .. No wonder I'm so lonely.

Well .. That was my awkward way to say Good night! :*