p ♥ p t e a

Hey all. So I've been living in a down-hill these last couple of days. Life just seems so pointless and I will probably end up forever alone. ;___; I'm gonna type down exactly how I feel for once, because I'm pissed and sad.

Gahd I don't even know what hit me. Everyone just seems so happy all the time and it's really starting to bring me down. Why can't I be happy for once? I want to be happy, but I just can't. I've forgotten how it feels like to have no worries in the world and embracing every day with a smile on your face. I can't even 'smile' for real anymore - I just paint it on and pretend that everything is fine. I'm just fine. I say. Do you know what, that's bullshit.

I've been depressed for over 3 years now because of something that happend that didn't even involve me. I got cut up in the middle and that HURTS. I were living on the line between 2 wars, without even knowing how I got there or what I did to deserve it, and I've never felt more betrayed in my entire life. Did I not deserve to know what was going on in my own home? I'm depressed because I'm sick of school. I said. Once again: bullshit. I had no clue what was going down and my final year in school was the only thing I could blame for me not wanting to get up in the morning.

I've talked to people about this and do you know what? It doesn't help. They say the same things. Asks the same questions. In the end you can just sit down and have the dialog with yourself. I've been holding my own hand for so long and I've just realized how lonely I've been. How lonely I am til' this day and what scares me, is to think that I will probably end up alone in the future. No matter how many wonderful and funny people I have around me, I still wake up every morning with this spikey-rock in my throat and I just can't remove it. Whatever I do, it's still there.

Everything I believed in in the past seems so distant. There are things that I don't even remember. Like when my family talks about things that happened on vacations when we were younger or just random things that we did. I don't remember. I pretend like I do, but I don't. Things that everyone else remembers. Things everyone else talks about - I'm not a part of it. You should always remember the good times. They say. My answer is that I've blocked everything. I've locked the door to my brain so I won't get hurt. So I won't do anything stupid. This is something I haven't told anyone. Not even my best friend. To make everything simple: I don't have any happy memories from the time with my family and that's scary. Like, for real. They are all gone.

The girl that I once were, the one who was happy and loved going to school just so she could hang out with her friends. The one who would bounce into the classroom and just be happy. I don't really recall being like that. I've forgotten how to be me. I think this is one of the many reasons that I'm still so sad and lost til' this day: it's because of all the things I had to get through, I lost myself in the process. I never thought you could actually lose yourself until it actually happened. I don't know who I am. I'm just a marionette who has been tangled into it's strings. I'm alone and sad and afraid and I couldn't really feel more useless.

I don't really think anyone actually know me. If any of my friends would happen to read this, do you really know me? Like, really know me? I don't think you do, but I guess that's okey since I put on this mask and pretend to be someone. I don't know who I am either, so why should anyone else. I'm not good with the whole 'opening-up' to people. It's one thing to talk to people and actually talk to people. I just feel like I've been kept in a shadow, you know. Just listening to what other people are telling me .. Playing by their rules. But that's probably cause I'm afraid to share my dreams and thoughts. I don't want people to tell me that I'm aiming to high or being judged. I don't want to be put down or judged because I want to be in a certain way or do certain things.

I want to go to Japan. I want to be an artist, but I judge myself to hard. I want to paint all my life and do nothing else. I don't want to be a nurse. I don't want to be a teacher. I don't want to work in places were you get treated like a bug. I want to live my life the way I want to live it. I want to believe that I can achieve this and I need people to back me up. You might think I'm blaming someone right now. But, I'm not. If there's someone to blame: it's myself. I have a hard time opening up : because I've never felt that anyone really understands me. So many friends have turned their backs on me through the years and in the end, you just stop talking. It's hard to talk with my family, cause I'm the black sheep. You can all agree: I am. I know I am. We are just different. But that doesn't mean I blame them for anything, quite the opposite. I love them all - just the way they are. Never change guys. But, try to see the world through my eyes for just a second. A second of your life is all I ask.

Anyways, I feel that I've got some stuff off my chest. I always try to think that things could've been worse. Some people could have died. I could still just lay in my bed all day. My hair could still be grey because of that stupid hair-color. But I will still wake up with a rock in my throat. I will still have a hard time opening.up to people. I will still get sad and angry because life is a bitch. But .. I'm sure I will laugh again, do you know why I'm sure? Because tomorrow is a new day.

Oh, and my Saturday-catchphrase:
It's Saturday and that means that everyone should be happy.